I’m so confused. I know I heard you loud and clear. So I followed through, but somehow I ended up here. I don’t want to think. I may never understand that my broken heart is a part of your plan. When I try to pray, all I have is hurt and these four words. Thy will be done. I know you’re good, but this doesn’t feel good right now. I know you think of things I could never think about. It’s hard to count it all joy when I’m distracted by the noise. I’m just trying to make sense of all your promises. Sometimes I have to stop and remember that you’re God, and I am not. Thy will be done. I’m like a child. I’m on my knees, but all that comes to me is, “Thy will be done”. I know you see me. I know you hear me, Lord. Your plans are for me. Goodness You have in store.Thy will be done. {Hillary Scott. “Thy Will”}
God tends to speak to me through music. Sometimes I will have a song stuck in my heads for days, weeks, even months before I realize what it is He is trying to tell me. However, once I finally figure it out I am overcome with emotion because I know those words are directly from Him and spoken directly to me. I have had one particular song persistently stuck at the forefront of my thoughts on a daily basis for a couple of months now. Granted, it’s an awesome song. However, the weight of those words far surpasses the “catchiness” of the music.
As I have shared with so many of you before, I struggle with feeling “good enough”. This is my weakness, and this is exactly where Satan hits me. Every. Single. Time. When I fail, no matter the circumstance, I take it hard...really hard. I pride myself on being able to put on a “happy face” in the moment, but at some point (typically after I’m alone) I break. It is in those moments that I unknowingly open wide the door and allow Satan to walk right through. He creeps into my thoughts, into my heart, and works toward destroying everything good in my life. This scares me more each and every day. Why? Because of my children. I want them to know that it’s ok to be sad. The difference is, I want them to turn to God in those tough times, not turn to self-doubt. I want them to stand boldly, rebuking Satan at every turn.
I honestly think it’s unrealistic to say that whenever I get bad news I will automatically think of the positive. I will praise God for his blessings immediately instead of letting myself feel sorrow. I don’t think that God always expects me to speak to Him during those moments. Sometimes, I can just be in His presence. I can be still, resting in the fact that I am a child of the King, and He is the one in control. No matter what I want to happen, my future is already determined. He is God. I am not. For the first time last night, I allowed my children to see me break. I allowed them to know that I had a broken heart. I spoke to them openly about it, and told them that even though I was really sad in the moment, I knew God had a plan for me. Goodness He has in store.
If I’m going to teach my children, I first need to teach myself. Then, not only do I need to teach myself, I need to make it a part of my daily routine...in front of my children. Not always after they’re in bed or before they’re awake. In front of them. With them at times. How else will they learn? I want them to know where to turn when they've been let down, when they've let someone else down, or when they've let themselves down. I want them to see me deal with those emotions as a humble child of God.
So, one promise I can will make is this. In those moments, I will rebuke the negativity, the self-doubt, the unhealthy reactions. I will rebuke Satan. It may be when I'm alone. It may be when I'm around my family. It may be in a crowded room. It doesn't matter. Those moments are between myself and God. Who am I to think that it's ok to turn away from Him when He is trying to speak to me. Instead, while allowing myself to be sad, I will remember that it's ok to sit silently in His presence. If I'm compelled to speak but can't find the words to say. It's ok to speak those four simple words.
Thy will be done.
